bruised, but not (totally) broken

Well, as many of you know, I started a new job over a month ago when I got back from my little vacation in Cali. It has been crazy because I'm still commuting from NJ to NYC almost every day. There have been 3 people that have given their notice since I joined the pastry kitchen staff. Staff turnover always makes learning a new station a little more difficult. When I joined the staff I was doing mostly production work... making parts of desserts for a restaurant that does over 200 covers on average per night. I was getting into the swing of things and really had a great groove down. Then I was trained on the "cold" station during evening service. That was challenging, but really fun. I love working service - the heat and buzz of the kitchen, the vibe and feel of line cooks grilling meat, ducking and spinning between their lowboys and their flattops or ovens, the sous chef's voice a constant reminder of the ebb and flow of the evening.

I was hired to replace one person and my chef shifted other staff members to fill an open spot on days, but then as two more evening service people gave there notice, I was trained on the "hot" station during service. All I can say to describe this station is that it is the culmination of all the work every single employee does in the pastry kitchen. There is an insane amount of pressure as suddenly, you become responsible for leading the pastry service and the look and intergrity of every dessert plated and delivered to guests.
* Melted ice cream? Managers in the front of house complain to your chef before they come to talk to you about it...
* Server puts in the wrong order? So this job requires a little psychic ability too now?
* The new guy calls in "sick" after too many beers with the staff the night before (it's his 3rd day!!!)? Yup, you're hung over too but do you pussy out and call in? Nope, you suck it up and suffer through what could maybe be one of the worst working days of your entire life.

So what I'm getting at here, is this - I'm learning a lot. A lot about my work ethics, my goals, my sense of leadership and how I need to motivate myself to come back after a day where I felt like I wanted to walk out after a brutal night and maybe never come back! So this is what I chose for myself, this is the profession I wanted to be in. I might have chosen to ease into the "hot" role a little more gently, but frankly, my chef had to look at the staff she had remaining and figure out who she could trust to take on the responsibility. I'm flattered that she's given me the opportunity to take on the role. I'm also pissed because it is a painful, painful learning process. Right now, no matter how fast I move, how much I think I accomplished in the hours before service starts, it seems that I'm still never on time and always have at least one more thing that I need to do. One of the girls who works the station now and has been working it for a few months said, "One day it will just click. You'll suddenly have five minutes before service starts and you'll be up at the station and everything will be done and in it's place. But it takes a few weeks, just stick with it."

So that is what I'll do. This is indeed what I've chosen for myself. I need to embrace the idea of being the person on the evening staff with the most experience, even if it is a little forced and sudden. Maybe some day I want to run a pastry kitchen, just because I haven't done it before doesn't mean I can't do it or that I should think that people look at me and think I don't have the experience to be a leader.